I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She's like a pop up book from hell.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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