i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
