theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
