i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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