There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
