What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
