just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
