There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
