Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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