I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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