You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
