ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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