I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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