maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
