Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
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