Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
