god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Is it penis luge time yet?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
