don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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