Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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