just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
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