just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
