So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
