Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
