I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
