im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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