Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Randomize
