At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
