my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
