Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
