So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
