he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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