It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
