she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
