I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
