do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
