can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
