I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
