Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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