Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
