My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
The ass gains better be worth it
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