hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
