I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
