Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
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I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We talked him into tasing himself.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
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If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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