i may or may not be watching the land before time
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
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