explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
