Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
