just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
