she woke up with a sticky ear
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Never let your siblings swipe right.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
