Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
