btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
