I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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