I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
