I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
