no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
