Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
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