your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
